Have you ever been jealous when another girl texts your boyfriend? Or have you gotten concerned when your girlfriend's male neighbor won't stop talking to her? Ever worried that someone else's relationship looks better than yours? Well, we're here to tell you that the grass is not always greener.
**This post was written by a pair of guest bloggers- see their bio at the end**
Jealousy can be defined as a complex combination of thoughts, feelings
and actions, which tend to threaten self-esteem and/or the existence or quality
of the relationship. As explained by Maya Angelou, “Jealousy in romance is like
salt in food. A little can enhance
the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain
circumstances, can be life-threatening.”
Knowing how to manage this “salty emotion” is an extremely helpful and
important skill to learn.
Why, You Ask?
Why is expressing jealousy
effectively so important? Jealousy
occurs in every relationship. It’s
natural. In fact, it’s in our nature to express jealousy because keeping it
inside typically leads to unresolved jealousy feelings that can turn into
deeper relational problems. But when expressed the right way, jealousy shows
that you love your partner and want to maintain the relationship. Thus, jealousy can be a sign of love, or a
sign of insecurity about love. If you make your partner feel loved through
honesty and trust, chances of a secure relationship will rise, and jealousy
will decrease. It is so important to express these
feelings, because if you don’t, it essentially gives your partner permission to
continue behaving in the way that made you jealous in the first place.
By expressing your jealousy, you build
boundaries that educate your partner to avoid the circumstances that you don’t
find acceptable. According to Drs. Carrie Kennedy-Lightsey and Melanie
Booth-Butterfield, in their 2011 Communication Quarterly article, individuals
in highly satisfied relationships are less likely to respond to jealousy by
yelling at their partners, threatening to leave the relationship, or spying on
the other person. This is because couples with high relational satisfaction
tend to also be able to effectively communicate their jealousy to their
partners, instead of reacting in negative ways.
Difficulty Doing
Why might expressing jealousy in a positive, healthy way be difficulty?
For starters, fear of retaliation is a major reason why expressing
jealousy is difficult in a relationship. Many fear that their partners will
strike back with a comment or argument that could cause serious, detrimental
harm to their relationship. This sometimes causes people to decide that it’s
better to just drop it.
In general, you don’t want to offend your partner with your choice of
words or style of confrontation. If you do offend your partner, you might
exacerbate the situation. Something that was so minor could turn into a major
argument or fight. Couples who learn to discuss conflict based on each other’s
reaction styles are more likely to be in a highly satisfied relationship, and
less likely to scream at each other, or threaten to leave the relationship.
Learn to Recognize
According to Dr. I. Major, M.D., author of the book Little White
Whys: A No Nonsense Guide to the Lies Men Tell in Relationships and Why, it’s better to acknowledge the jealousy you feel,
even if it is just a little bit, rather than letting it worsen for weeks or
months and explode at a bad time. Sometimes just sitting down and doing
something as simple as writing in a journal can help you assess your own
feelings. Ask yourself: Why might I be having these feelings? Has your
partner actually done something to make you feel this way? Or maybe there were
past experiences in previous relationships that affected your levels of trust
or self-esteem or you may be insecure or fear abandonment in your current
relationship. No matter what the situation is, being honest with yourself is essential in staying objective and avoiding negative feelings
in dealing with jealousy.
There are two main types of jealousy. And it’s critical to be able to
differentiate between “normal” and “delusional” jealousy. Normal jealousy has
its basis in a real threat to the relationship, whereas delusional jealousy
persists despite the absence of any real or even probable threat. Relating to
the prior statement about reflecting on your own, possibly writing in a
journal, or maybe discussing with friends and thinking deeply about where the
jealousy is stemming from could be beneficial to realize if your emotions are
natural or delusional. In the
process of recognizing what type of jealousy you are experiencing, and where it
is stemming from, you can take positive steps to manage effectively.
“By realizing what feelings are normal and
abnormal, and by examining the roots of our jealous feelings, we can
effectively learn to cope with it by positively changing our behavior. Like
other difficult emotional experiences, jealousy can be a trigger for growth,
increased self-awareness, and greater understanding of both your partner and
your relationship,” as described by A.M. Pines and C. F. Bowes, in their 1992 Psychology
Today article.
Consider Your Partner
Although we’ve talked so
much about yourself, and making ends meet with your personal emotions, your
partner plays a big role in your jealous feelings, too. So you need to consider
him/her when approaching conflict. Determining your specific goal or desired
outcome for expressing your
jealousy is important. For example, individuals who are concerned with
maintaining their relationship might engage in constructive communication,
while those who are motivated to reduce their uncertainty (whether normal or
delusional) may engage in destructive communication, such as surveillance behavior.
If your goal is not to maintain the relationship, then this indicates a whole
different spectrum of issues that you probably have with your partner.
Your partner needs to know that you are feeling jealous because you care about him/her and the well being of your relationship, not because you’re frustrated or trying to cause an argument. According to Dr. Jennifer Rosier, Ph.D., you should “[r]emember to tell your partner that you're in it to win it. Expressing your commitment and love can enhance feelings of togetherness and intimacy in your relationship, reassuring your partner that there is no one else in your life.” If you do these things, your partner will understand you may have had your feelings hurt, or there may have been a misunderstanding, and you only care to fix it to keep your relationship stable.
Use what you know about your partner to
communicate your jealousy. Find out how your partner best responds to conflict,
and use that knowledge to express yourself in the best possible way for them to
understand your perspective without getting defensive or offended. Also, you
should not point the finger using anger toward your partner by telling him or
her how awful they are because they made you jealous. You need to express that
your feelings are hurt because of what you experienced from your partner’s actions. “I think its more
important to talk about the experiences that lead to jealousy rather than the
jealousy itself,” as Dr. Scott Haltzman, the author of The Secrets of
Happily Married Men, stated.
Trying it All Together in 3 Easy Steps
So,
now that you know why expressing jealousy effectively is important,
you've learned how to recognize what type of jealousy you're
experiencing, and how to consider your partner's feelings, let's talk
about actually creating a message to express your jealousy to your
partner.
Integrative communication is the way to go. First, of course, you need to discuss the problem that has arisen, and negotiate relational rules about what makes each other jealous, so it does not continue to occur. Be direct: express yourself calmly and constructively.
Integrative communication is the way to go. First, of course, you need to discuss the problem that has arisen, and negotiate relational rules about what makes each other jealous, so it does not continue to occur. Be direct: express yourself calmly and constructively.
So, now that you know why expressing jealousy effectively is important,
you’ve learned how to recognize what type of jealousy you’re experiencing, and
how to consider your partners feelings, let’s talk about actually creating a
message to express your jealousy to your partner.
Integrative communication is the way to
go. First, of course, you need to
discuss the problem that has arisen, and negotiate
Next, According to a Science of Relationships article, entitled What
Should I Do About my Jealousy?,
written by Dr. Jennifer Bevan, when jealous individuals use positive messages
their partners are less likely to be uncertain about the jealous individuals
behavior and have a more positive reaction. Their partners are also more likely
to experience constructive emotions and respond with similar messages,
including trying to come to an understanding about the jealousy situation, and
discuss it openly.
While being direct and positive, it is
important to disclose everything honestly. Ask questions. Asking your partner questions about the topic
that made you jealous in the first place will clear up any unspoken emotions
and reassure each partner that they know exactly what happened.
Example Scenario & Responses
though I know you
would never do anything behind my back.
I am not asking you to stop being his friend, I would just really love
to be included in your activities.”
Eric and Julia are newlyweds.
Julia’s best friend for many years has been Kyle. While Eric and Julia were dating he did
not see Kyle as much of a threat, but once they were married he began to be
much more jealous, and react to them hanging out. How could Eric respond positively and effectively to Julia
and Kyle’s friendship, based on the information we have provided?
Poor Response: “Now
that we’re married, you have to end your friendship with Kyle.”
- Pros: Very direct.
- Cons: Eric does not back up his opinion with reasons, or explain why their friendship might hurt his feelings.
Better Response: “I think you should start seeing Kyle less now that
we are married because it is important you start trying to build our bond
stronger.”
- Pros: Direct, and expresses his feelings and desires about his commitment to their marriage.
- Cons: Still lacks an explanation of how or why he is a little jealous, and how her actions make him feel that way.
- Pros: Very direct, show that he loves her based on his desire to be included in what she likes to do, and builds boundaries that he doesn’t want her to spend much alone time with Kyle.
- Cons: Could express more that he trusts her, and does not think she would do anything behind his back even with all of their alone time.
About the Authors
References
Bevan,
J.L. (n.d.). What Should I Do About My Jealousy? Retrieved from
http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2011/7/27/what-should-i-do-about-my-jealousy.html
Bevan, J.L.
(2008). Experiencing and communicating romantic jealousy: Questioning the
investment model. Southern Communication Journal, 73(1). 42-67.
Guerrero, L. K
& Afifi, W. A. (1999). Toward a goal-oriented approach for understanding
communicative responses to jealousy. Western Journal of Communication, 63(2). 216.
Kennedy-Lightsey, C., & Booth-Butterfield, M. (2011). Responses to
jealousy situations thatevoke uncertainty in married and dating relationships. Communication
Quarterly, 59(2), 255-275.
Muise,
A. (n.d.). Are You "Creeping"? Jealousy and Partner
Monitoring on Facebook. Retrieved
October
17, 2013, from http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2013/9/6are-you-creeping-jealousy-and-partner-monitoring-on-facebook.html
Pines,
A. M. & Bowes, C. F. (1992). Romantic Jealousy. Retrieved from
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/romantic-jealousy
Rosier,
J. (2009). Working Through Jealousy. Retrieved from
http://www.jenslovelessons.com/2009/04/working-through-jealousy.html
Strauss,
B. (n.d.). 3 Tips for Dealing with Jealousy. Retrieved from
http://www.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=11425