Being a parent is tough. Whether it's your first child or your seventh, it’s stressful. Believe me, I know- I have four kiddos.
With all of the diaper changing, holding, feeding, burping, rocking,
shhhh-ing, and worrying that takes place in those first few months, your
relationship with the person who created this tiny human being with you
may begin to suffer. It is vital that you do not let this happen. I
know, you now have this overwhelming desire to spend every-waking moment
staring at, talking to, talking about, playing with, and caring for
your new bundle of joy. And you should- to an extent. You still need to
work on your relationship with your partner-in-crime (you know, the guy who got you into this mess in the first place).
Try out some of the suggestions below to maintain and maybe even intensify your relationship after a baby.
Take a Time-Out
I know it will be difficult, but try not to let your new little angel take up all
of your time. Not only do you need time alone with yourself (which
should be more than just your weekly shower), but you also need to
continue to spend quality alone time with your partner. Whether this
means that you put the baby in the other room and cuddle on the couch
for an hour or recruit a family member to watch your offspring so you
can have a romantic dinner for two, try to take a time out for you and
your partner at least 1-2 times a week. Even a simple walk around the block without your child will help you continue to develop your bond. Your relationship will thank you down the road.
Avoid Gatekeeping
Gatekeeping
is when one parent (usually mom) takes control of the care giving and
household chores. She then (either consciously or unconsciously) limits dad’s involvement by preventing him from caring for their child (“It’s okay, I’ll do it”), criticizing
how he cares for their child (“That’s not how you change a diaper”), or
failing to encourage him. Try not to tell your partner how he should or
should not care for his child; bite your tongue. He may not have the
same knowledge about newborns as you, but he’s perfectly capable of
figuring it out. Make sure that he knows how much you appreciate him and
compliment him
when he does something well. Studies have found that this will not only
enable him to be more involved, but it will also decrease conflict in
your relationship.
Laugh
Humor
has been shown to be a significant predictor of satisfaction in
relationships (Bazzini et al., 2007; Ziv, 1988; Ziv & Gadish,
1989). Try not to take this new adventure so seriously; laugh about the
mishaps you experience instead of worrying about them. Believe me, there
will be a lot to "laugh" about in the coming weeks. From getting peed
on by your little boy to spilling 3 ounces of pumped breast milk on the
floor, there will be moments that will make you want to scream and cry;
try laughing instead. In addition, laughter can easily break any tension
that you and your partner may be experiencing. In fact, research has shown that jokes that facilitate your relationship or reduce tension are extremely effective in conflict situations (Campbell et al., 2008). Teasing and sarcasm, on the other hand, should be avoided during disagreements.
Mess with the Routine
Researchers have found evidence to support the idea that engaging in new, interesting, and exciting activities with your partner are very beneficial to your relationship
(Aron et al., 2000). Routines are great (especially with a new baby),
but always knowing what’s going to happen next can become monotonous and
boring. To help avoid this problem, try to spice up your life every
once in a while. To do this, you could go for a walk in the afternoon
instead of the middle of the day or surprise your partner
at work with lunch. You could also get a babysitter and go out on a
unique date or cook a special meal together. Big or small, messing with
your daily routine from time to time will help keep things interesting
in your relationship.
References:
- Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C. & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couple's shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78, 273- 284.
- Bazzini, D. G., Stack, E. R., Martincin, P. D., & Davis, C. P. (2007). The effects of reminiscing about laughter on relationship satisfaction. Motivation and Emotion, 31, 25- 34.
- Campbell, L., Martin, R. A., & Ward, J. R. (2008). An observational study of humor while resolving conflict in dating couples. Personal Relationships, 15, 41-55.
- Ziv, A. (1988). Humor's role in married life. Humor, 1, 223- 229.
- Ziv, A., & Gadish, O. (1989). Humor in marital satisfaction. The Journal of Social Psychology, 129, 759- 768.