The I Love You Talk
This one probably seems like a bit of a no-brainer, but
unfortunately, many individuals let days, weeks, or even months go by
without offering assurances to their partners. I cannot begin to express
how extremely important it is to tell your partner, on a daily
basis, how much you appreciate, adore, and need him or her.
Communicating these things helps your partner feel like a significant
part of your life, secure in your marriage, and valuable to you. And
believe me, everyone wants and needs to feel this way.
The Sexual Likes & Dislikes Talk
Having an active and satisfying sex life is key to a healthy, happy
marriage. And, one of the best ways to improve your sex life is to open
the lines of communication between you and your partner. Studies have
revealed that disclosing your sexual likes and dislikes to your spouse
can improve your sexual and relationship satisfaction, bring you closer
as a couple, increase feelings of intimacy and trust between the two of
you, and even increase pleasure during sexual activities. Telling your
partner what you like and dislike in the bedroom, however, can be scary
and/or overwhelming. These feelings of apprehension are expected and
completely acceptable. In order to ease your nerves about these talks
and to increase your effectiveness when having this conversation, be
sure to:
- Maintain a positive tone.
- Give clear descriptions of what you want and don’t want.
- Be sensitive to your partner’s feelings and perspective.
- Be realistic about what could actually be improved. In other words, avoid discussing topics that are not controllable like body shape or size.
- Regularly “check in” with your mate because sexual preferences do change over time
The Daily Activity Talk
Talking and listening to each other about the day’s ups and downs can
have a significant impact on the positive emotions and feelings of
closeness you share in your relationship. Talking to your spouse about
the positive aspects of your day is more than just small talk. It’s
important. According to Drs. Hicks and Diamond (2008), asking your
partner about his or her day may lead to increased feelings of
happiness, closeness, and intimacy. And these advantages are not just
limited to your end-of-day discussions. All of those other little chats
through out the day count, too.
The I Want to Understand You Talk
Have you ever struggled to understand your partner? We have all felt this way at some point or another. Why did he respond like that? How was I supposed to know what she really meant? How did he get that from our conversation? How did she not understand my point of view? Believe me, I know the feeling.
Sometimes, these misunderstandings can be explained by taking a look
at (and then being sensitive to) your partner’s past experiences, core
personality traits, and upbringing. Gaining some perspective by putting
yourself in your partner’s shoes is a great way to solve and avoid
conflict. But, taking your partner’s perspective is only the first
step. You also want your partner to understand you. Begin by explaining
how something makes you feel. You might use the following sentences as a
guide:
- “When you say things like _________, it makes me feel _____________.”
- “When you react like ___________, it makes me feel _______________.”
Then, give your mate a turn. And LISTEN to what he or she has to say.
Really listen. Don’t interrupt. Once your partner finishes, tell your
partner how you are trying to understand how he or she feels.
Next, you’ll want to discuss your game plan. What do the two of you
need to work on? Note: this will not be one-sided. Both of you will need
to work on something. Talk it out and even make pledges to one another
about your plans to be better partners who are in tune with one another.
The Respectful Talk
Speaking to your spouse with respect is more of a mindset than it is a
one-time conversation. Still it is absolutely vital to a happy
marriage. If the two of you do not respect one another, your
relationship will have some serious problems down the road. Respectful
communication includes:
- Acknowledging one another’s thoughts and feelings.
- Having your partner’s back.
- Speaking to your spouse as if he or she is your equal
- Including your spouse in your life and in your decision about life (big decisions and smaller, everyday decisions).
- Asking (instead of telling) your spouse if he or she wants to do things.
- Speaking to your mate in the same manner that you would speak to a stranger. If you wouldn’t say it to a random person on the street, them you probably shouldn’t say it to the person you love.
On the other hand,
respectful communication DOES NOT include criticizing your partner. Try
to eliminate words like “never” or “always” from your vocabulary because
these words are rarely true, are often exaggerated, and usually come
just before a hurtful remark. It also doesn’t include belittling or
demeaning your partner, making fun of your partner, treating your spouse
like a child, bossing him or her around, threatening to leave the
relationship (directly or indirectly), or giving ultimatums.
