1. Listen to your partner's concerns and feelings.
Listening is one of the most powerful tools in your relationship
toolkit
. Really. Let your mate talk about anything related to the
behavior in question and pay attention to everything your mate is
saying. Try to understand where your partner is coming from. Put
yourself in his or her shoes and begin to recognize how your actions
impacted your partner. Let your partner elaborate as much as he or she
wants and acknowledge his or her feelings. You can ask questions if you
need clarification. But be careful, make sure that you phrase your
questions so that they imply that you actually want to understand your
partner, not as if you are trying to discredit your partner's emotions
or point of view.
. Really. Let your mate talk about anything related to the
behavior in question and pay attention to everything your mate is
saying. Try to understand where your partner is coming from. Put
yourself in his or her shoes and begin to recognize how your actions
impacted your partner. Let your partner elaborate as much as he or she
wants and acknowledge his or her feelings. You can ask questions if you
need clarification. But be careful, make sure that you phrase your
questions so that they imply that you actually want to understand your
partner, not as if you are trying to discredit your partner's emotions
or point of view.
2. Admit your faults.
Take responsibility for your actions, even if you think that your
partner is wrong, exaggerating, or out-of-line in his or her
accusations. The fact of the matter is that even if your intentions were
not to purposely hurt your mate, you did. There was some
miscommunication between what you meant to do or say and how your mate
perceived what you did or said. In fact, miscommunication is one of the
leading causes of conflict in relationships. So, if you hurt your
partner, recognize that. You can still say that it wasn't your intention
to upset him or her, but it's important to take ownership for how your
partner is feeling.
3. Offer up a plan.
Apologies are rather useless if you don't plan to change your behavior
.
And many times, the plan is clear- "Okay, I won't call you my little
pudgy-wudgy anymore." But other times, the plan is not as clear. This is
where the two of you need to work together to come up with a solution
to this problem. You could ask your partner, "How can I fix this?" or "I
really don't want you to be sad/angry with me anymore. What can I do?"
Again, you need to listen to what your mate says and then decide what
you are willing and able to do. And if the plan is to "not do _____"
ever again or less often, think of a positive, more desirable behavior
to put in it's place. Ending bad habits is so much easier when you
replace it with a good habit. However you decide to do it, making a
clear plan for the future is an excellent way to get through this tough
time with your partner.
.
And many times, the plan is clear- "Okay, I won't call you my little
pudgy-wudgy anymore." But other times, the plan is not as clear. This is
where the two of you need to work together to come up with a solution
to this problem. You could ask your partner, "How can I fix this?" or "I
really don't want you to be sad/angry with me anymore. What can I do?"
Again, you need to listen to what your mate says and then decide what
you are willing and able to do. And if the plan is to "not do _____"
ever again or less often, think of a positive, more desirable behavior
to put in it's place. Ending bad habits is so much easier when you
replace it with a good habit. However you decide to do it, making a
clear plan for the future is an excellent way to get through this tough
time with your partner.
4. Don't do it again.
This seems like a no-brainer, but I can't tell you how many times Hus
or I will say that we're sorry about something and then go ahead and do
the "offensive act" again; sometimes only days later. It's terrible,
actually. If you make a plan to not do something and then you do it
again, what kind of message does that send to your mate? I'll tell you.
It says that you wee less-than-sincere in your original apology. It says
that you don't have enough respect for the future plan your both made
together. And it says that you do not value your relationship enough to
stop doing whatever it is that hurt your partner in the first place. To
put it another way (as if I haven't done that enough already), if you do
it again, it makes it very difficult for your partner to forgive you
and it may even make it difficult for your partner to stay with you.
