If
you're in an argument with your mate and you can see that things are
getting out of hand, there's still hope. You can easily turn conflict
around by learning how to de-escalate the conversation. Below are a few
statements that you can make to attempt to de-escalate your feud.
"Okay, let's take a 10 minute (or 10 hour) break, cool down, and then work towards actually solving this problem."
Stepping
away from a disagreement, taking a break, and coming back to the issue
at a later date (FYI: you have to come back to it) allows people to calm
down and think about what they really want to talk about. Many times,
people are able to better organize their thoughts and express their
feelings more effectively after taking a break. But beware, continuously
tabling a discussion is not a good idea. You have to eventually work it
out. And, sooner is better than later.
"Wait a minute. What are we really fighting about?"
At
times, it's vital that you ask yourself (and your partner) this exact
question. Couples have a tendency to engage in what I like to call cryptic arguing where
they seem to be arguing about one topic when in fact, they are really
upset about something totally unrelated. For instance, you might be
angry at your partner about a comment made by him or her a week earlier.
Instead of talking about how that comment made you feel, you become
easily agitated when your mate leaves his or her dirty clothes on the
floor. You erupt in anger about the clothes when it's really about the
comment made a week earlier. Or, you might not be mad at your mate at
all. Maybe you're stressed out at work or with the kids and you take it
out on your partner for something rather trivial. I think that this
happens a lot with couples who have children. For instance, when our
twins were infants, my husband and I would argue about the most ridiculous
things. "Don't put your soda on the f-ing table! You're going to leave a
stain! You always do shit like that!" And that wasn't all. "Why can't
you figure this out? It's like you're not even trying." At a certain
point during these conflicts, one of us would sometimes ask, "What the
hell are we really fighting about? Why are we so upset about
this?" Saying something like this in a light-hearted tone can easily
break the tension during a impassioned quarrel. In fact, research
has argued that utilizing a little affiliative humor during conflict is
actually quite effective at resolving issues in many marriages.
"I love you and you love me. Why are we talking to each other like this?"
Insults,
name-calling, negative sarcasm, and other forms of contempt are
commonplace in many disagreements between romantic partners. Reiterating
your love for one another can put your conversation in perspective. I
know when Hus and I have used this strategy, one of the next sentences
is something like, "You're right. I don't want to fight with you. I'm
sorry." And then we're able to think more rationally and work through
the issue. If you really love someone, that kind of hurtful language
should not be part of your relationship vocabulary to begin with. But if
it sneaks in somehow, you can quickly nip those detrimental
conversations in the bud (and de-escalate your conflict) by shifting the
focus of your discussion. Emphasizing your love can cause you and your
partner to quit using cruel language, remember that you actually care
for one another, and maybe even help you solve your problems.
