Unfortunately, marriage these days still only
has about a 50% success rate. A lot (but certainly not all) of the problems
associated with divorce tend to stem from a lack of communication about
the inner-workings of marriage before those papers are signed.
Many people get into marriage thinking that their love for each other
will fix any and all problems they may encounter in the future. Well I'm
sorry to say this, but love won't pay the bills, love won't do the
dishes or cut the grass, and love won't change your partner's mind about
children. Talking about these three important topics below before
you get hitched has the potential to alleviate the intensity and/or
amount of arguments you most definitely will experience as a married
couple.
1. Money
Money
problems have been linked to causing numerous divorces in America.
While talking about money can't solve any problems associated with a
small wallet, it can allow you and your partner to understand each other
better when it comes to your piggy bank.
Before
getting married, you and your mate should openly discuss any and all
debts you each have (this includes student loans, car leans, mortgages,
credit card debt, etc.), you and your partner's spending and saving
habits (even if you don't have any), and each of your yearly incomes.
Not only do you need to talk about how much money you make, spend, and
save, but you should also discuss how you plan to pay off your debt.
Will all of the debt go into one "debt pile" and then both of you will
pay it off together? Or, will you each continue to pay off your own
individual debts? Further, it's especially critical to consider your
plans for sharing money. Will you have separate bank accounts or one
joint account? Or, will you have two separate accounts and a
shared account? How will the bills be paid? Who will be responsible for
paying them? How will you determine what counts as a "necessary bill"
and what counts as an "unnecessary bill"? What will you do with the
"unnecessary bills"? For instance, is your mate's monthly subscription
to his or her favorite magazine something you both want to continue
paying after marriage? In addition, it's important to talk about the
different values you each place on money. Do you need the latest and
greatest gadgets or can you do without? Maybe even more important, do
you think that your mate should do without? Do you think that it's
perfectly acceptable to spend $100 on a pair of jeans or does that
bother you? Figuring out all of this stuff before you say "I do" can
really help you start your marriage on the right note. And, if you
discover major problems during this discussion, problems that can't be
solved or ignored, you may need to nip this relationship in the bud and
call it quits. I know that sounds harsh, but money problems have ruined a
significant number of marriages, so discussing this issue prior to
sealing the deal could help you avoid some heartache.
To help get the conversation going, you and your partner could take the Money Ethic Scale
to initially identify your attitudes about money. Then, you could each
make a list of questions (p.s. you can include some of the questions
mentioned above) that you'd like to go over.
2. Division of Labor
Dirty
dishes, cars that won't start, smelly laundry, and long grass. We've
all encountered these things in our lives. And before you get hitched,
you likely had to deal with these problems by yourself. And, it would
make sense that your responsibilities would be cut in half when you get
married, right? Regrettably, many couples have one person who does the
majority of the chores. Before you wed, talk to your partner about who
he or she expects to do the household chores. While the chores don't
have to be perfectly divided down the middle (wouldn't that be great if
they were though?), it's really important that you and your mate are on
the same page about who should do each task. So, if you and your partner
both agree that you should do everything, and you're both okay with
that, then good. The purpose of this conversation is really meant to
discuss expectations so that you can determine if you like what you hear
and decide if you will be happy down the road.
Here
are some tasks you and your mate could talk about divvying up: taking
out the trash, doing the dishes, cutting the grass/gardening, loading
and folding laundry, dusting/polishing, sweeping/vacuuming, cleaning
bathrooms, cleaning the fridge, mopping the floors, dealing with car
troubles/appliance breakdowns/etc, organizing and paying the bills,
scheduling things (like doctor appointments), making dinner, maintaining
the sanity, and anything else you can think of. You will be much more
satisfied in your relationship if and when you and your mate can come to
a consensus or even a compromise about how to deal with dividing labor
before the big day. Although I can't promise that you and your partner
will always follow through with your decisions, at least you'll know
what your mate expects of you and your mate will know what you expect of
him or her.
For more information about sharing duties, check out this article about breaking free from gender role stereotypes.
3. Kids
Here's
the big one. Kids. Talk about children with your partner. Do you want
kids? How many do you want to have? If you're someone who really wants
kids and your mate doesn't, this is a HUGE problem. Understand that you
will not be able to change his or her mind in the future. If you stay
together and never have kids, you will resent him or her. If you stay
together and have kids without him/her being fully "on board," your
partner will resent you. If this is an issue for you, break it off now.
Additionally, talk about who is going to take care of the kids. Do you
expect one person to stay home and not work, are you going to take the
daycare route, or are the two of you going to split up the caregiving
(like these people)?
After you've got all of that squared away, it's important to discuss
child-raising. Initially, you could discuss things related to infancy
like who will wake up in the middle of the night or who will be
responsible for changing diapers, feeding, bathing, etc? Then, you could
discuss issues such as how are you going to deal with discipline
problems? Who is going to do homework with the kids? Who will drive your
kids to and from all of their functions (school, extra-curriculars,
playdates, etc.)? Talking about kids before marriage and answering some
of these questions will help you determine if your mate is the right
person for you.
As you probably know, having kids takes a toll on your relationship. Take a look at this article for some tips about keeping the peace in your relationship as a new parent.
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I know, all of this may a BIT overwhelming. Don't worry, you don't need to talk about these important issues in one
conversation- that would be ridiculous. And, these shouldn't be
conversation topics for a first date (yikes!). Instead, begin these
conversations when marriage has become a serious option for you and your
partner and then spread these conversations out over the course of your
serious pre-marriage relationship. Talking about money, division of
labor, and kids prior to walking down the aisle can help you better
navigate marital problems later on. Remember, love may conquer all, but
it sure as hell doesn't clean the house, put your screaming kid to bed,
or pay off those pesky student loans.
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