She's right. It is
really difficult. We all have these idealized images of who we want our
partners to be; how we want them to talk, what kind of job we want them
to have, how we think they should look, what we think they should
believe in, which personality traits we want them to exemplify, and the
list could go on and on. Unfortunately, when our mates don't live up to
the (sometimes unreasonable) standards, we try to change something about
them.
This
conversation reminded me of a line of research I was reading about last
week. Researchers, Nickola Overall, Garth Fletcher, and Jeffry Simpson
published a study in 2006 showing that the more effort a partner exerts
towards attempting to change his/her mate (in terms of the mate's level
of trustworthiness, attractiveness, or status), the lower the reported
relationship quality is for that relationship. So even though the
intention by the change-eliciting partner is usually to improve the
relationship, he or she is actually damaging it. The researcher’s
explanation argued that higher levels of partner regulation signal lack
of acceptance and negative views about the partner, which in turn, can
damage the relationship.
So
what are you supposed to do? Here's my suggestion. If you're in a
relationship and you feel like you're wanting to change some fundamental
aspect of your mate (something that makes him or her "who they are"),
give it a little more thought before you go talking to your partner
about it. Ask yourself if it's something that you can live with. If you
can, then don't mention it. It's not worth it. It could create feelings
of sadness, worthlessness, and/or low self-esteem in your partner.
However, if you can't live with it; if it's something that bothers you
to your core, then you need to either say something to your partner
(knowing that it could end your relationship) or end the relationship
yourself. Sorry Charlie, but that's the bottom line.
**An addendum to the above post: I just wanted to be clear that I (and the cited study) am talking about trying to change something about your partner that is central to who they are; something that they have little or no control over. For example, no matter how much you try, it would be very difficult for you to get your mate to be more outgoing at parties if he or she is an introvert. Or, to try and improve your partner's lack of career ambition. Or even better, to get your mate to be more physically attractive. Your attempts at making this kind of change in someone will likely end badly. And let me also be clear that I am an advocate of talking to your partner about problems in your relationship. If your mate has said or done something to you that made you sad/angry/offended/embarrassed, you should definitely take the time to say something.**
Reference
Overall, N. C., Fletcher, G. J. O., & Simpson, J. A. (2006). Regulation processes in intimate relationships: The role of ideal standards. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91, 662-688.